Five Weird Things I Do in the Kitchen
(Other than pretending that a piece of celery is a phone.)
Considering that most people probably think I’m nuts anyway for starting a blog with the purpose of writing solely about brownies, I’d like to tell you about a few strange things that I do in the kitchen. If you do anything weird in the kitchen, comment below. It’s confession time!
1. I Taste My Batter
Ideally I do this with pasteurized eggs in the batter. But if I’m working with regular old salmonella-enhanced eggs, I taste it right before I add the eggs. That way, the only thing missing is eggs and flour. It always helps me tell if I’m on the right track for sugar, salt, chocolate, and spices.
2. I Pick Out Albumen
Albu-what? That’s right, I pick out albumen. Albumen is that little white stuff attached to the egg yolk. I don’t know why, but I always get the brownie with the baked albumen in it, which is white, chewy, and yuck. So I’ve gotten into the habit of removing the little buggers before I mix in the eggs. Obsessive compulsive, you say?
Have you read the rest of my blog?
3. I Wreck the Place
Sometimes I go on some other food blog and they have a photo posted of their recipe prep. The whisk will be at an artistic angle to the quart of organic milk, and a cheery fire crackles smugly in the background.
I hate them all! Just kidding. Smiles and hugs all around…
Let me walk you through this. If I haven’t spilled batter on the sink, dropped the mixing spoon on the floor, let my toddler get hold of the (open) sugar bag, and then heaped the cooking garbage in 4 or 5 different piles across the counter, then it isn’t really cooking.
4. I Enjoy Starting the Dishwasher
Now it’s your turn to call me some creative name.
I know what you’re thinking. Yes, yes, of course I hate doing the dishes. Dishes are nasty and repetitive and boring.
When I get to that moment where the water from the running tap heats up…
And I reach into the maximum-security storage area of my little tabs of colorful detergent and unwrap it like a Wonka candy…
Then the lid goes snap and the door goes clunk and that whirring swooshing sound fills the air…
I feel weirdly happy. Sue me.
5. I Want to Eat Alone
Preferably with a nice book. A paper one, not one of those Kandles or whatever you call them. Evil, evil paper.
Don’t get me wrong. Nothing makes me more content than to sit down with my family at dinner, or my husband across a restaurant table on one of our monthly dates. But once a day I need a meal to myself, where I can sit quietly, take as much time as I want, and enjoy each taste of food with complete concentration.
I’ll never forget how much I cheered when Tina Fey’s character in “Date Night” shared her most secret fantasy: of sitting in a clean, lovely hotel room, all alone, eating a sandwich, with a soda.
God bless you, Tina Fey. You keep the rest of us sane.
The End… Or Is It?
If you want to make my day, leave a comment below about what you do in the kitchen.